February Challenge Change :)

So! We decided to not do the book club idea because we didn't like the book they had chosen (something about a cat who becomes lost in a library). I have instead decided to either join an 8 week bereavement group, which I consider a "club", or join a fitness club. Hmm, maybe I will do both!

My emotions have been wonky for the past month and I can't seem to travel out of this slump, so the bereavement group is something that I think would be extremely beneficial to me both mentally and emotionally. I have a meeting with the group coordinator this week to see if this group would be best for me - I hope we both end up agreeing that it will be.

My fitness is a completely separate subject. I am thin, but very unhealthy. My diet is not what it should be, and my body is not toned like I would like it to me. I'm wondering if my up and down emotions stem from my lack of self esteem for how I look. I think that might be part of it. So, maybe if I join a fitness club I can gain self esteem which in turn will lead to stabilized emotions.

Phew! Let's see what this week brings :) Ian still hasn't decided what club he wants to join, but he better decide soon!!

February's Challenge!

Our February challenge is....

JOIN A CLUB!!

We had 11 different choices, and this is the one that was randomly selected for us, so yipee! I think I've decided to join a local book club, Ian might join too. The first meeting for the book club is February 2nd, I can't wait! I hope it's a good book :)

30 day challenge HOLD!

We are putting a big hold on our 30 day challenges as we will be out of country (Euro Trip, yay!) and not returning until November 28th - so bye, bye challenges until December. We will still be challenging ourselves, but won't be able to blog about it .. sorry folks! Thanks for following and we'll letcha know when we return.

More 30

30 Things I Learned Today

1. How to make money from my blog (thanks to http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2006/05/how-to-make-money-from-your-blog/)
2. Life is not about money, but it sure as hell eases the way
3. Boys like to party, it's inevitable
4. I should not leave my contacts in for over 24 hours
5. I hate doing dishes (hard to say if I learned that today, or years ago)
6. How a human's metabolism works
7. I have 2 best friends - Ian and Foog
8. I hate going to the bar and spending $$
9. One way flights from Europe to Canada are way more expensive than one way flights from Canada to Europe
10. Blackberry's suck (y's or ies for that one?)
11. How to change ink cartridges in my printer
12. My Mom becomes distracted extremely easily, but not as easily as my Nan
13. Crickets piss me off and keep me up until 2am
14. I cannot avoid babies, nor blissfully ignorant pregnant women.
15. Pizza doesn't taste as good as it did 3 years ago
16. How to check ink levels on a mac
17. What a blog carnival is
18. Fresh air makes it easier to withdraw from depression
19. Being honest is the only way to live! As of today, I will always be honest. I kind of don't care who it offends.
20.  Nail salons always create a thinner gel line on your nail bed because they want you to come back in 2 weeks for a fill. No, thank you.
21. My boyfriend can be extremely lazy when it comes to household chores
22. If I could live in my bed, I would
23. My sister is a country fanatic
24. Age doesn't mean shit. When I think about being "19" I need to laugh, literally, out loud. Feels more like 30.
25. I avoid confrontations at all costs.
26. My friend Charlotte leaves for England on September 1st :(
27. Apparently Canadians say "aboot" instead of "about".. what the heck is up with that? A customer on the phone today told me he was surprised I said "about" instead of "aboot" after I told him I'm from Ontario. Very odd.
28. Since Barack Obama became USA's president, residents of the states no longer need to claim they are from Canada when traveling the World (explained by the same customer above)... ha!
29. No one will catch me if I slack off at work!
30. Life is short. 9/11 changed so many lives, and the death of my daughter has changed mine. (I had no idea until today how many people were indirectly affected by 9/11... this article is a great read: http://charter.net/news/read.php?id=17163473&ps=1011&cat=&cps=0&lang=en)

MORE 30's!

30 More Things About Me:

1. My hair is really long. I keep thinking I'll cut it when it stops growing, but it doesn't stop growing.
2. I love cooking.. e v e r y t h i n g.
3. My Nana is the best grandmother in the entire world.
4. Cheerios are my favourite... just plain. Not chocolate. Not honey nut. PLAIN, OLD SCHOOL CHEERIOS. *
5. I think nature is beautiful, and giving life to plants is our only opportunity to play God.
6. I want 5 children. Annabelle was my first, and I hope she is not my last.
7. I love getting my nails done, and acting super girly for Annabelle.
8. I'm scared of driving, but I do it anyway.
9. Candles do not serve any purpose for me. Open a window, fresh air is better than wax air.
10. My bff Krista wrote a rap ~ it will blow your mind away. Link: http://www.facebook.com/krista.catania#!/video/video.php?v=10150287063738788&comments
11. I FINALLY have our Euro trip planned!
12. I love white kitchens.
13. I painted my bookshelf black with white polka dots on the outside, and white with black polka dots on the inside.
14. I wear my Annabelle necklace every day. It is made of pink and white swarvoski crystals.
15. There is nothing like Toronto's street meat.
16. I can't skate, and I can only semi-rollerblade.
17. There are 2 huge dogs fighting outside my back window right now.. eek
18. I love my Mom!
19. I wish I wasn't scared of tanning beds so that I could get a fake bake and be all cool lookin'.
20. I've been denied a Canadian Tire Mastercard 3 times, but I will try again today.
21. My rogers internet bill is months overdue (probably why I'm being denied a new credit card.. ha).
22. Ian James McRae is my boyfriend and I will love him to infinity and beyond.
23. My psychic, Ezter (not Esther.. Ezter), says I will not look youthful in a few more years due to the longness of my fingers. Apparently only people with short fingers will be young forever. Booo!
24. I wish I were an oscar meyer weiner. kidding!
25. I love arts and crafts ~ always have, always will.
26. If I had nothing to do, I would sit in front of a fireplace with a white wool blanket, hot chocolate (with extra marshmallows) in hand, and watch Pretty in Pink.
27. I hate working, but love that it gives me an excuse to not keep the house clean.
28. The friends I have made on my journey through grief are all phenomenal. I love them all so much, and I would never be where I am today without their ongoing support and enlightenment.
29. I want to start a photography business when I come back from Europe.
30. Scrapbooking is AWESOME!

30 Things - To Do List!

30 Things To Do!

1. Figure out entire trip to Europe.
2. Pack for Europe.
3. Figure out if it would be easier to take large backpacks or a suitcase to Europe.
4. Pack the entire apartment.. in 3 weeks.
5. Figure out moving dates.
6. Find people to help us move.
7. Get rid of A LOT of clothes in my small closet.
8. Pay off VISA
9. Make $$, maybe take some overtime at work
10. Create a list for UTPAIL (United Through Pregnancy and Infant Loss)
11. Cancel Rogers internet
12. Change phone plan
13. Empty vase in kitchen and replace with new flowers
14. Get on Ian's ass about changing the bathroom door that he punched, and left a hole in, months ago
15. Get on Ian's ass about fixing the kitchen drawer.
16. Clean. Even when you think you've cleaned everything, there is always more to do.
17. Laundry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
18. Make a list of all my BLM's baby angel dates.
19. Sell the stuff on kijiji for Mom
20. Annabelle's birthday scrapbook
21. Drop off Bingo donations at the Leacock Home
22. Read the Book of Awesome
23. Call Nana (will do that right now)
24. Go for a run, live healthy!
25. Transfer everything on computer to external harddrive
26. Tell Ian how awesome he is!
27. Buy some berries
28. Learn how to use self tanner
29. Start "Annabelle's Seashell"
30. LEARN TO LOVE LIFE!

Fave Foods

In no particular order, here are 30 of my favourite foods... I am an extremely picky eater, so this will be a tough list to figure out!

1. Mom's Lasagna
2. Strawberries
3. Raspberries, with a touch of sugar
4. Pasta baked with cheese :)
5. Cheerios with strawberry milk
6. Extra cheese, light on the sauce pizza
7. Eggs over easy with buttered toast
8. French toast and bacon
9. Mashed Potatoes
10. Homemade, white wine chicken breast
11. Sweet and Sour Pork stirfry
12. Grilled Chicken snack wrap from McD's
13. Sour watermelon candies
14. Sour gummy bear candies
15. Pasta with Mom's tomato sauce
16. Ice Cream cake
17. Blueberries!
18. Pancakes with uber amounts of maple syrup
19. Cookie Dough
20. Basically, any type of raw dough.. even pizza dough!
21. Mortadella and Provolone on a bun
22. Subway ~ oven roasted chicken breast on honey oat with white cheddar cheese, lettuce, tomato, cucumber, and sub sauce
23. Hot Dogs
24. Pasta with butter and salt
25. OMG, kraft dinner! How did this not enter my mind sooner?
26. Fettuccine Alfredo with broccoli
27. White Mac n Cheese (President's Choice version)
28. Baguettes from Filou Bistro
29. Spinach dip with nachos
30. Apple Crisp... homemade... mmMmMmMmmmmm

Ian's 30 Things!

30 Things About Ian James McRae

1. I'm still growing
2. I like black and red and gold
3. Mowing the lawn is my business
4. T-Rex is my favorite dinosaur
5. I love history
6. And I love Rebecca more than history and math combined
7. My dog's name is Skye
8. Hardtalk is my favorite show
9. One of my many dreams is to craft a hammer made out of worldly relics
10. Younger sister- Sarah. Brother - Jonathan
11. I don't sleep that much
12. Napoleon didn't sleep much either
13. I enjoy beers with wings
14. Most of my friends have been my friends since I was a kid
15. Hate being tickled!
16. Tomorrow I plan to watch "Rise of the Planet of the Apes"
17. I like gardening and yard work to a lesser degree
18. My dream car is an ass kickin Mustang convertible
19. Rebecca and I are going to Europe October 1st :) wooohooo
20. My family is awesome
21. I have a booming book collection
21a. Very few of my books are fictional literature
22. Every summer I get earaches from swimming
23. My favorite summer pass-time is to go swim-net-fishing, love it
24. Current rent: $375
25. Best word I can think of at this moment: Kronos
26.Three maps are on my bedroom wall: of France, of the Middle East, and the World (1972)
27. My dream job is to be the Minister of Education
28. I'm craving grilled cheese
29. This past Saturday I went to Wakestock... rocked it
30. After I'm done this list, Becca will probably jump on her computer and read this ;)
31. Aha! I tease people like Becca xoxoxoxoxoxo....... and my Mom lol

Hello, Childhood

30 things about my childhood:

1. On road trips I spent plenty of time staring at the wires that moved from telephone pole to telephone pole. If you look closely, the wires are further apart in the centre than they are when they reach the pole. For some reason, this entranced me.
2. I had a doll named Angela, with a moon on her forehead.
3. I had a beanie baby whom I named Mittens, although her beanie name was Flip.
4. My parents spent all their time loving me. I had a wonderful childhood.
5. After kindgarten, I would arrive home to watch Leave It to Beaver and Young and The Restless with my Nana.
6. My Nana was my babysitter.
7. My sister's friend's Mom gave me Portuguese lessons.. I don't remember anything I learned.
8. My Nana lived a few blocks away, and I was allowed to bike ride to her house all alone for the first time when I was in grade 3.
9. I loved playing Barbies.
10. I loved making my sister be the "animals".. she was never allowed to be a Barbie.
11. I had a wide collection of Beanie Babies.
12. My Mom always dressed me and my sister up in the same outfits, different colours.
13. I remember seeing my mostrous sized brother in the NICU.
14. In Grade 2, we learned where babies come from (not how they're made, just where they come from).
15. My Mom went through her pregnancy in my second grade year, thus she came into the class for monthly visits so we could learn all about how a baby grows.
16. JK teacher: Mrs Hazlett
17. SK teacher: Mrs Conroy
18. Grade 1 teacher: Mrs Billings
19. Grade 2 teacher: Mrs Andrews
20. Grade 3 teacher: the evil witch, Mrs. McEachreon (Mc-Each-Re-On.. we were taught, daily, how to spell it).
21. Grade 4 teacher: Mrs Dalton
22. Grade 5 teacher: forget. Hmm, guess my memory isn't that great afterall.
23. My first pair of glasses were bought in grade 3.
24. I hated giving my sister the clothes I outgrew.
25. My sister had a bunk bed, I did not.
26. My Mom always let us have our friends over for playdates.
27. I thought my parents were the best, most untouchable people in the World.
28. War? What's that?
29. I snuck pet caterpillars into the house.
30. My sister was my best friend, our baby brother was our make believe pet :)

August's Challenge

I am writing to say, once again, that we did not complete our last month's challenge. It has turned our stomachs inside out knowing that we have failed miserably... again. Instead of taking this challenge into August, I thought that we will still work on the video challenge in August, but add something easier as well.

As August's 30 Day Challenge I will be soul searching. I know, it isn't that over the top awesome, but it is certainly a challenge. Each day we will write down 30 things about ourselves. Hopefully by the end of August some wonderful memories will have found their way back into my heart, and it is with fingers crossed that I hope to find out what it is I truly want out of life.

So, here is my first list.

30 Things About Becca:
1. I have a daughter, who was born asleep, named Annabelle.
2. I have a life partner, who is named Ian.
3. I am 19 years old.
4. My birthday is December 18th, 1991.
5. The sun makes me very, very sleepy. In fact, everything makes me very sleepy.
6. I have the best Mom in the World.
7. Family is the most important aspect of my life.
8. I have a variety of religious beliefs. I think it's safe to say I believe and don't believe in nearly everything.
9. I sleep on the comfiest, squishiest bed ever!
10. I want so badly to make a huge difference in this world.
11. I work in a call centre for Charter Communications - employing Canadians to act as technical support for those in the US who actually have their services.
12. I hope to be pregnant with our rainbow baby in the next 2 years, at the very most.
13. I love my little 3 person family. Together, Ian, myself, and Annabelle are a strong and united front.
14. Although I have had a child, I am still treated like a child but a select few individuals, and I absolutely despise it.
15. My favourite colours were once blue and purple.
16. Since learning about Annabelle, my favourite colours have changed to pink and yellow (the sunset, sunrise, sunshine, like her).
17. I never trusted anyone until I met a fellow "BLM" (baby loss Mom). I trust all of my friendly BLMs.
18. My hands and my feet are always cold.
19. Cheerios with strawberry milk is my favourite breakfast food (thanks, Mom).
20. Ladybugs are beginning to remind me of Annabelle. They have popped up everywhere over the past year.
21. I love my mac :)
22. I'm going on a trip to Europe with the love of my life for 2 months, leaving October 1st.
23. I have a graphic design diploma.
24. I do not want to be a graphic designer.
25. Because of graphic design school, I am now $5500 in debt and was told it will take 90 months of $75 monthly payments to be rid of this evil amount of money.
26. My Dad may not always show it, but he loves his children and I will forever be thankful for that. He isn't perfect. No one is.
27. I wish I had time to lie in the sun and tan.
28. I spent $16 on shitty sunscreen today - eek!
29. I wish I could spend more time with my cousins.
30. I love Aveeno hand cream.

I will posts Ian's 30 things later tonight! :)

Videoooooo

Just wanted to give an update to all of you wonderful people. We are still undecided about how we want the video to work out. It's been a difficult month (close to Abby's 1st Heavenly birthday) but if this was easy, it wouldn't be a challenge - duh!

July's Challenge!

July's Challenge is..

Create a music video in 30 days!

AH, hard work! We're starting to write a "beat" so we can put it to a video ~ super exciting!!

New Words~Wahoo!

Here is our latest video update...

Welcome ~ Merhba
How are you? ~ Kif int
I'm good, thanks ~ Tajjeb, Grazzi
And you? ~ U int?
Good, thank you very much ~ Tajjeb, Grazzi Hafna

Thanks for watching guys :) Like we said at the end of the video.. we bought our first tickets for our trip to Europe in the Fall! A one way ticket to Malta is about $1000, but a one way ticket to Rome is only $378.. from Rome to Malta we can get a plane ticket for $100 at the very most, so option two is obviously most economical. WAHOO CAN'T WAIT! I definitely can't wait to see the different sunsets and sunrises on that side of the World.. those are what remind us of Annabelle most!

Why Malta? Why Maltese?

Not many people know where Malta is or why we even want to learn Maltese.

Malta is an island located just south of Sicily, Italy. It's gorgeous.. and small. From one end of the island to the other is a mere 60km. My Nana and Nanu (Nana means Grandma in Maltese, Nanu means Grandpa in Maltese) lived nearly half their life in Malta and moved to Canada right before becoming pregnant with my Mom. While growing up, I learned plenty of Maltese as my Nana and Nanu were my babysitters. Yep, my Nana retired after my Mom had me to help my parents save on babysitting. European grandmas rock.

I have always wanted to visit Malta with my grandparents, but unfortunately my Nanu died 3 years ago due to esophageal cancer (cancer in the esophagus). He was given 2 months to live but was tortured by this cancer for 2 years. It was devastating, frustrating, and saddening. Since then I had planned on going to Malta with my Nana sometime after high school; however, in January of 2010, 7 months after high school graduation, I found out I was pregnant. What a blessing this pregnancy was! I watched my boyfriend turn from a boy to a man. In the back of my mind I knew this would postpone my journey to Malta with my Nana, but I really didn't mind. As long as I went before she became really ill and couldn't travel anymore. She was only 72 at the time (turned 73 this past December).. so I knew it had to be sooner than later. I planned everything out in my mind. We would have to wait until baby turned at least 1.5 - 2 years old because her first year of life would be spent with many doctor check ups, and I wanted to go before the terrible twos set in. So, my plan now changed to going to Malta sometime in 2012 instead of 2010. No problemo, I thought.

Then we found out we weren't going to leave the hospital with a baby. I was exactly 31 weeks gestation on August 2nd and had not felt my baby move at her usual times. The excited part of me thought, "Wow! This is great! Baby's getting so big that he/she doesn't have room to move around anymore! They must be really healthy!" ... 5 hours later I had an emergency cesarean section due to a concealed placental abruption.

So, I leave the hospital empty handed sometime in the beginning of August. My life has turned from awesome to schmuck. Everything sucks, my dreams are crushed, and I never want to get out of bed again.. until my boyfriend and lovely sidekick proposes the idea of taking a trip to Malta in 1 year. This was sometime in September of 2010. I got out of bed, called my Nana, and began to plan the trip. Our trip to Malta has now turned into an entire Euro Trip! We will be spending 2 weeks in Malta, 2 weeks in Greece (to climb Mt. Olympus), followed by 1 month of backpacking through numerous other European countries. It's all very exciting.. heart wrenching because we have to do it without our Annabelle, our little monkey, our pretty girl.. but there is still a small piece hidden inside of me that is excited.

When I go to Malta in October I know that I will be surrounded with love by distant family members. I can't wait! This is going to be one of the best adventures of my life (the only other "best" adventure was my pregnancy).. and, to make it even better, we have to learn some basic Maltese! I can understand most because my Nana and Nanu always spoke Maltese around the house.. but I can't speak it for the life of me. I have 14 more days left to learn this language before we move on to a different 30 day challenge. I can do it, I WILL do it!

I love you Annabelle.

Found a VERY cool website to help us pick up our Maltese. My 4 wisdom teeth were extracted yesterday so it was difficult to learn these but the website makes it so easy. Well, kind of easy. It shows the word, how to spell it, and creates a game out of everything to help you remember--but there isn't an option to hear what the word sounds like. Darn!

Anyway, this is the website in case anyone wants to learn some different dialects:
http://www.digitaldialects.com/Maltese.htm

Peace.
Becca

Where did May go?

May came and left so quickly.. we barely completed our challenge. We learned a few words, but didn't have the time to blog about them. This month I PROMISE I will be a blog-a-holic and give regular updates on our Maltese progress :) Yep, this month will be a continuation of last month's challenge... ahhhhh!

Bonġu!

Over this past week, Ian and I have perfected Maltese greetings!

• Bonġu ~ Good Morning (informal)
• L-ghodwa t-tajba ~ Good Morning (formal)
• Il-jum it-tajjeb ~ Good Day
• Il-lejil it-tajjeb ~ Good Nighty
• Lilek ukoll ~ Same to you

30 Day May Challenge!

Yes, we missed our April challenge.. we just had such a busy month and didn't feel we could dedicate ourselves. However, we are back in action!

May's Challenge is...

Learn a language in 30 days!

WOOHOO! It is SO awesome that this challenge was chosen for the month of May! We need to learn Maltese before our big trip to Malta/Greece/Rome in the Fall. We will be spending the majority of our trip in Malta since that is where my family is from.

Of course I have the upper hand in this challenge because my beloved babysitters as I was growing up were my Nana and Nanu (grandma and grandpa in Maltese.. see, I know a bit already) and they only ever spoke to one another in Maltese. Ian on the other hand is falling into unknown territory. It will be exciting to see his progress over the next month!

I am hoping that by the end of May I will be able to have a 5 minute Maltese conversation with my Nana. There is so much to learn and so little time!

Annabelle, we love you so much. I promise Daddy and I will try our very best this month to achieve our challenge! xoxo

Hugs, peace, and happiness to all,

Becca

Why Buddhism?

I think Buddhism was thought up by a person who had extreme anxiety all of the time. Why else practice it? Yes, it's nice to find your "inner self", but it's more nice to meditate to calm your soul. Anxiety is everyone's worst nightmare.

I thought this Buddhism thing would help me make it through March without an anxiety attack. Every time I have felt one coming on, I do that "start by wiggling your toes" thing and it goes away. That tactic did not work today!

I woke up this morning and decided it would be a lovely day to have my nails done. I walked in and asked for acrylics with french tips, she said it would be $30.. the UV gel was only $35 ($5 more) so I upgraded. Needless to say that my anxiety came from the most disgusting UV gel application I have ever seen in my life, and the fact that I paid $50 for them.. The total came to $45 something, not the $35 that was advertised, and then I tipped $5 which was just an awful idea. She did such a horrible job, it is indescribable. For those of you who are local, it was Regal Nails.. normally I go to Le Nails, but I was in the Wal Mart plaza and thought I'd check out Regal. NEVER go there! Never! I will now make it my mission to ensure they have no business. Mean? Yes, but I am an extremely unhappy customer.

I left in anger, anguish, and all the regular things that cause anxiety. I think it was mostly because of the money I spent for such a poor quality job. I tried to wiggle my toes, I tried to think of the bigger picture, I tried to use my Buddhism teachings from this month, but I was already far too late. The anxiety hit in like thunder without rain - no warning. Of course, as soon as any type of sadness overcomes us, we as Angel Mommies can think of nothing about how insignificant this issue would be if only we had our babies here on Earth to laugh with, kiss, and hold. I miss you so much Annabelle. I hate that you and I can never have our own nail dates.

Buddhism has disappointed me. Well, maybe I'm just not putting in enough effort. 11 days left of March... 11 days to try to perfect being anxiety free (i.e. achieve Buddhism practices).

Sending peace to all,
Becca

Piece by Piece

I am currently in BC, but on the night before leaving I attempted to find my "inner self"....

Ian shared a story with me in reference to one of his roommates from the hostel he stayed at last year in Rome. This roommate practiced meditation by sitting cross legged (nightly) and felt his entire body from big toe to top of forehead. I'm not sure how to explain the "felt" aspect of this mediation. I guess it's almost like a wiggle, it's as though he places himself in the moment 100% and concentrates strictly on whatever body part he is focusing on. He explained to Ian that if he does it properly it takes about 3 hours, but he had been doing it all in one hour since he was on vacation.

Ian tells me this story SOOOOO what do I do? Test it. I test the theory. I wonder if this will help me calm my soul and mind down, or if it will (at the very least) help me fall asleep since I've had issues with that lately. I was lying in bed... not cross legged, just lying... Ian snoring beside me, and I could not fall asleep! I began wiggling my big toe slowly and concentrating on the movement. I wanted to do it for 5 minutes, but I was impatient; thus, 30 seconds later I moved to the next toe. After moving my first 4 toes, I fell asleep! I didn't even remember it by the next day until mid evening! Marvelous, absolutely marvelous. Needless to say this will forever be my sleep medicine :)